Amazing Affirmations: People and Trees

The other night I was in my counseling class and we were talking about self-reflection.  It was an intriguing discussion about how to be a reflective practitioner.  In the counseling field, it is such an important concept to grasp and understand, especially dealing with people one on one.  Advice is something we are NOT supposed to give as counselors, but as the discussion got deeper, my professor showed us a "Madea" clip on Youtube.  It was a clip of her giving advice to a young man about relationships.  Although the clip was used as an instructional resource of what counselors are not to do with our clients, it actually struck something inside of me that I truly needed to hear and take heed.

Watch the clip for yourself.

I'm not much of a Tyler Perry fan, but maaaaan this clip spoke directly to my spirit.  People and trees.  So simple, yet so profound.  There is a reason why there are so many leaves, so few branches, and even fewer roots.   This was by far the best analogy to describe a good and bad relationship, in my opinion.  It was comedic, but it was definitely comedic truth.

Think about the relationships you have in your life right now.  Who do you think of when you place people in these three categories? Who do you consider your roots? Branches?  Leaves?  Thinking back on a certain relationship I had, it is clear this person is a leaf.  He is not meant to stay in my life and I had to accept that once and for all.  I've never known a person who was so emotionally disconnected, full of excuses, uncommunicative, and overall just weird.  Dude is just a strange cat. I don't understand him and it's not meant for me understand him.  Good luck to the person who will understand him.  I get it now.  I totally see it for what it is.  A waste of my valuable time.

I gave myself a hard time for going back to it after the fact.  There is no use in beating myself up when I all I have to do is walk away and never look back.  Going backwards is the wrong answer.  Leave your past in the past and move forward.  They are in your past for a reason.  Let them stay there.  Letting go is hard to do, but Madea said it best.  When it gets to a point when I have to choose You or Me?  I have to choose me, because simply put, I love me more.

I deserve so much more. I'm a beautiful woman who deserves to be pursued.  Yea, Imma a little old school.  I believe in chivalry and the "he who finds a wife" ideology.  I have so much love to give and I'm patiently waiting for the right "him" to come and scoop me up and share the love with me.  There is a deserving someone out there looking for me.  I'm just waiting on the day when we finally find each other.  Love.  I remember it. *smiles*

Thank you, Madea for the insight.  I needed this reminder to slap me in the face and wake me the hell up! 

Only A Fool Says Everything On His Mind

Ladies, why is it that when someone asks you if you're dating other people besides them, they automatically assume you are sleeping with those other people?  Why can't two people just enjoy the companionship and actually build a true friendship before taking it to a physical level?  It just IRKS my nerves when a man always tends to bring the topic of discussion back to sex or the like.

I was having a conversation with someone that I was starting to get to know the other night and the convo took an unexpected, awkward turn.  It went something like this:

Him:  What are getting into tonight?
Me:  Oh, I'm gonna stay in and make it a movie night.
Him:  You want some company? (insert red flag here)
Me:  No, I'm gonna chill by myself, but we can catch a movie over the holidays.
Him:  What are watching?
Me:  I think I'm going to watch "Friends with Benefits".  I heard it's pretty funny.
Him:  Oh really?  Do you have friends with benefits? (insert 2nd red flag)
Me:  O_o Ummm, no, I don't.  I don't get down with those kinda games.
Him:  Hmmm...so what do you do when get that "feeling"? (insert 3rd red flag)

Now to my utter disgust, you can imagine where the rest of this conversation went.  I clearly had a few choice words with him, but he honestly didn't see the harm and asking such a personal and pointed question.  For one, we've only been talking for a short time (a week or two), and two, he is already asking me sexually driven questions?  Really???!  Who the hell does that?  See how the rest of the conversation played out:

Me:  What???  Why would you ask me something like that?
Him:  So you've never had a friend like that?
Me:  I'm sure most of us have been one or the other, but again, why are you asking me that?
Him:  I'm just wondering.  Were you the one getting the benefits or the other way around?
Me:  What???  Hold up!  You and I are just getting to know each other and clearly, this is not something you ask a woman in the early stages of relationship.  Besides, you've been harping on wanting to get to know me and I, you, but it seems you constantly digress to something physical.  I'm no prude, but there is a time and place for discussing something of that nature.
Him:  My bad.  I'm sorry (lol).  I told you that I ask a lot of questions.  I just asked a question.
Me:  Nothing wrong with asking questions, but it's the type of questions being asked that are the problem.
Him:  I'm sure you know that I'm very attracted to you.  I honestly don't want to get anything out of you like that.  I really do want us to get to know each other.
Me:  No you don't.  You seem to always divert the conversation to something physical.  That's not getting to know someone.
Him:  You don't believe me now?
Me:  Nope!  I don't!

With that the conversation became awkward and uncomfortable.  He apologized again.  There was a little small talk and he told me he would call me back.  He did, but I didn't answer.  He text me this morning and I ignored the text.

You guys, I'm was so disgusted after that phone call.  I just couldn't for the life of me understand how someone can be that bold to ask me that.  He doesn't even know my last name or what my favorite ice cream flavor is, but you're more interested in my casual rendezvous with my other "suitors".  Who the hell does that?  What kills me is this guy is in his 40s!  You would think by now he would be up on game about how to talk to respectable women, but clearly, he still has a lot of growing up to do.  I guess he's used to messing with "loose" women, so it didn't seem so inappropriate to ask.

Needless to say, I've washed my hands of the situation.  I'm not going to entertain someone who puts on this facade about being more mature, growing in Christ, and looking for true love with me, when in actuality you're looking for someone to arouse your loins.  You say you want to do things right by me, because you didn't before, but your actions and words do not line up at all!  Sorry boo boo!  You can keep it moving and kick rocks while you do it!

Wrestling With "What Ifs"

Throughout my life, there have been moments when I have my heart set on a decision and I find all the reasons why it’s the right one.  I follow through with it, feel pretty good about it afterwards, and then a few days later, I find myself second guessing my “right” decision.  Why is that?  How can I be so sure about something and yet be so unsure after the fact?

I’ve always been a follower of my heart, but in the latter part of my life, I’ve become a follower of my head.  I have found that my heart, although it’s usually in the right place, leads me down a path of emotional destruction, confusion, heartache, and sometimes stress.  With that said, I’ve learned to keep my emotions buried deep.  I choose not to wear them on my sleeve.  It’s easier said than done. I’ve become somewhat emotionally disconnected when it comes to my love relationships, and I make it a point to stay guarded at all times.  I often wonder if that is my downfall sometimes.  Is this the reason why I’m having such a hard time finding love? Or falling in love, rather?  That darn shell is a beast!

I think love is a beautiful thing everyone should experience.  I want to remember it.  I’ve been there once before in my “tender roni” years.  I was 20 or 21, starry-eyed and head over heels in love with a man, I thought, would be the love of my life.  Of course, at that tender age, anything looks, feels, and sounds good to an inexperienced young college girl, but I just knew I found my EVERYTHING when he came along.  I was treated like a queen, shown more than enough attention, went on exciting dates, our intimacy was passionate and intense, and I held onto his every word, because I loved him so much.  I didn’t know what “game” looked like when I was with him, because I never thought he would run it on me.  After all, I was his QUEEN.  He could’ve told me the sky was green when it was actually blue and I would believe him.  He made my stomach flutter every time he called or when we saw each other.  I grinned like a little girl at Disneyworld when he kissed me and I bawled like a baby when we had to say goodbye after our weekend rendezvous.  I was so connected to him emotionally that I allowed my very being to be dictated by everything he said, did, thought, felt; I could go on.  I was him.  He was me.  We were we.  The world revolved around us and nothing else mattered.  Obsessed much?  You could say that. Ha! I’m sure most of you are thinking about how unhealthy my description of love sounds.  Mind you, at the time I was young and crazy in love.  And you know what?  It was VERY unhealthy!

Unhealthy, because I lost myself in our relationship.  I became so entrenched in him, I slowly disconnected from who I was as a person.  Unhealthy, because I allowed him to be controlling and manipulative.  He knew my entire schedule to the minute and I made myself overly available to him. I alienated my friends and my family.  We were fused together. His word was bond.  Right or wrong.  Unhealthy, because when he left me, I was left empty, bottomless, hanging aimlessly without a life line.  I had a huge void in my life that I had to fill after he departed.   My heart had never been so broken, my spirit so shattered, my mindset about love so crushed.  I cried countless nights alone with my own thoughts.  I blamed God for allowing him to leave me, angry because I thought He was playing a sick joke with my heart. I mourned for months for him as if he died tragically.  Meanwhile, he just left me for someone else and married her six months later.  It was the darkest time in my life.  So dark, I wore black or grey everyday.  I lost about 15 lbs.  I suffered from intense grief.  It took a good (male) friend of mine to point out to me the toll it was taking on me emotionally and physically.  It was then when I realized that I put man before God and He had to remove him out of my path in order for me to fulfill His purpose for my life.  I forgot how jealous my Father can be.  I didn’t understand it at the time, but in hindsight, God had me right where He wanted me.  He spared me further heartache and pain and began to prepare me for the blessings He will have for me in the future.  He still is.  It’s as if He gave me a glimpse or a taste of what’s to come, but better than what I had.  I want what God has for me, and I want to be sure without a shadow of doubt that when my KING comes, I know exactly who he is.  I want to be able to recognize him without a question in my mind.

So yes!  Letting go was the right decision.  For once my heart and my head were aligned.  That's rare for me.  There are no “what ifs”.  I rebuke them! What if I don’t get married in the next 5 years?  I will get married in the next 5 years.  What if my KING never comes?  My KING will come and he God is preparing and molding him just for me!.  What if I’m alone for the rest of my life?  The Lord will grant me the desires of my heart!  What if, what if, what if???!!!  Stop it!!!  There is no such thing!  IT WILL BE!!!

So ladies and gents, sometimes when we want something so badly we find ourselves compromising against our better judgement in order to make it last.  That, my friends, is unhealthy.  If there is a question, a doubt, or a hunch that something ain't right, it probably isn’t.  Don’t rationalize the situation for the sake of holding onto something that may not be for you in the first place.  Trust your instincts and trust your gut feelings; they will never steer you wrong.  Find out what you are willing to compromise or tolerate.  This comes from spending more time with God and in prayer about where he is leading you.  Stick to your beliefs, values, morals, and standards.  Lastly, never give up on love.  It’s meant for me and if you want it, it’s meant for you, too. There is no “what if” when it comes to finding love and falling in love.  It happens and will happen when you least expect it. Trust! Peace.

A Moment of Reflection: I'm Ready!

Written 12/4/2011

Funny when you start something good it’s kinda hard to stop.  I’m not ready to introduce my blog to the world just yet, because I’m just posting random thoughts right now, but hopefully I will muster up the guts to put it out there.  Baby steps, you know?  One of these days…it’s feels kinda awkward, because right now it’s as if I’m talking to myself.  I guess that’s what it’s supposed to feel like in the beginning.  I’m actually blogging for me at the moment.

It’s been raining all weekend here and I find it interesting how the weather truly can take a toll on your mood.  I haven’t been in the best of moods lately and the weather is just maximizing the “blah” feeling.  I actually LOVE the rain.  I just love the rain when I’m feeling good.  November was an emotional roller coaster for me.  It wasn’t life-altering or drastically changing, but I had to let someone go and it was for the best.  I made the right decision in doing so, but you know the “after effects” when you realize the routine is different, the phone calls stop, no more visits or outings, and the person you once thought would be the “ONE” turned out not to be; it kinda hurts a little, you know?  I’ve been in bed all weekend, not crying or sad, but in deep thought about the direction of my life.

I just turned 33.  I’ve accomplished a lot, but I still have such a long way to go.  I’m trying not to get down on myself about it by reflecting on the things I’ve been blessed to receive.  I’m at a point in my life where my time is very valuable. I know exactly what I want and where I want to be.  The question is if I’m truly ready for those things.  Am I really ready for marriage? Starting a family? Starting a new career path?  My heart says yes, but it’s a little scary to me!  The thought of sharing my life with another person day in and day out seems beautiful, yet overwhelming.  I guess it wouldn’t be so overwhelming if I was in love. Ha! Love.  I miss that.  It’s an incredible feeling to be in love.  Where there is love, there is no fear, no question, no doubt, no confusion.  God is not the author of confusion and God is love.  It’s all intertwined.  I love that!  That’s puts a smile on my face and brings me reassurance.  Whoever God brings into my life will be a reflection of God’s love. Unconditional, unwavering, everlasting, eternal love.  Yes!!!  That’s what I need! Someday my KING will come!

Which brings me back to my original question, am I ready for him.  Yes, yes I am. Family?  Yes, I am. Career? Yes, I am.  I’m  ready to receive and I will patiently wait.  The things I can change I must change.  2011 is approaching its end rather quickly. 2012 will be here in 26 days.  I don’t do resolutions.  I just do it. What are you ready for?  Do you think you can handle it?  If not, what steps are you taking to prepare yourself for what you want?