Friday, December 9, 2011

Wrestling With "What Ifs"

Throughout my life, there have been moments when I have my heart set on a decision and I find all the reasons why it’s the right one.  I follow through with it, feel pretty good about it afterwards, and then a few days later, I find myself second guessing my “right” decision.  Why is that?  How can I be so sure about something and yet be so unsure after the fact?

I’ve always been a follower of my heart, but in the latter part of my life, I’ve become a follower of my head.  I have found that my heart, although it’s usually in the right place, leads me down a path of emotional destruction, confusion, heartache, and sometimes stress.  With that said, I’ve learned to keep my emotions buried deep.  I choose not to wear them on my sleeve.  It’s easier said than done. I’ve become somewhat emotionally disconnected when it comes to my love relationships, and I make it a point to stay guarded at all times.  I often wonder if that is my downfall sometimes.  Is this the reason why I’m having such a hard time finding love? Or falling in love, rather?  That darn shell is a beast!

I think love is a beautiful thing everyone should experience.  I want to remember it.  I’ve been there once before in my “tender roni” years.  I was 20 or 21, starry-eyed and head over heels in love with a man, I thought, would be the love of my life.  Of course, at that tender age, anything looks, feels, and sounds good to an inexperienced young college girl, but I just knew I found my EVERYTHING when he came along.  I was treated like a queen, shown more than enough attention, went on exciting dates, our intimacy was passionate and intense, and I held onto his every word, because I loved him so much.  I didn’t know what “game” looked like when I was with him, because I never thought he would run it on me.  After all, I was his QUEEN.  He could’ve told me the sky was green when it was actually blue and I would believe him.  He made my stomach flutter every time he called or when we saw each other.  I grinned like a little girl at Disneyworld when he kissed me and I bawled like a baby when we had to say goodbye after our weekend rendezvous.  I was so connected to him emotionally that I allowed my very being to be dictated by everything he said, did, thought, felt; I could go on.  I was him.  He was me.  We were we.  The world revolved around us and nothing else mattered.  Obsessed much?  You could say that. Ha! I’m sure most of you are thinking about how unhealthy my description of love sounds.  Mind you, at the time I was young and crazy in love.  And you know what?  It was VERY unhealthy!

Unhealthy, because I lost myself in our relationship.  I became so entrenched in him, I slowly disconnected from who I was as a person.  Unhealthy, because I allowed him to be controlling and manipulative.  He knew my entire schedule to the minute and I made myself overly available to him. I alienated my friends and my family.  We were fused together. His word was bond.  Right or wrong.  Unhealthy, because when he left me, I was left empty, bottomless, hanging aimlessly without a life line.  I had a huge void in my life that I had to fill after he departed.   My heart had never been so broken, my spirit so shattered, my mindset about love so crushed.  I cried countless nights alone with my own thoughts.  I blamed God for allowing him to leave me, angry because I thought He was playing a sick joke with my heart. I mourned for months for him as if he died tragically.  Meanwhile, he just left me for someone else and married her six months later.  It was the darkest time in my life.  So dark, I wore black or grey everyday.  I lost about 15 lbs.  I suffered from intense grief.  It took a good (male) friend of mine to point out to me the toll it was taking on me emotionally and physically.  It was then when I realized that I put man before God and He had to remove him out of my path in order for me to fulfill His purpose for my life.  I forgot how jealous my Father can be.  I didn’t understand it at the time, but in hindsight, God had me right where He wanted me.  He spared me further heartache and pain and began to prepare me for the blessings He will have for me in the future.  He still is.  It’s as if He gave me a glimpse or a taste of what’s to come, but better than what I had.  I want what God has for me, and I want to be sure without a shadow of doubt that when my KING comes, I know exactly who he is.  I want to be able to recognize him without a question in my mind.

So yes!  Letting go was the right decision.  For once my heart and my head were aligned.  That's rare for me.  There are no “what ifs”.  I rebuke them! What if I don’t get married in the next 5 years?  I will get married in the next 5 years.  What if my KING never comes?  My KING will come and he God is preparing and molding him just for me!.  What if I’m alone for the rest of my life?  The Lord will grant me the desires of my heart!  What if, what if, what if???!!!  Stop it!!!  There is no such thing!  IT WILL BE!!!

So ladies and gents, sometimes when we want something so badly we find ourselves compromising against our better judgement in order to make it last.  That, my friends, is unhealthy.  If there is a question, a doubt, or a hunch that something ain't right, it probably isn’t.  Don’t rationalize the situation for the sake of holding onto something that may not be for you in the first place.  Trust your instincts and trust your gut feelings; they will never steer you wrong.  Find out what you are willing to compromise or tolerate.  This comes from spending more time with God and in prayer about where he is leading you.  Stick to your beliefs, values, morals, and standards.  Lastly, never give up on love.  It’s meant for me and if you want it, it’s meant for you, too. There is no “what if” when it comes to finding love and falling in love.  It happens and will happen when you least expect it. Trust! Peace.

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