Today started out as another ordinary day. I woke up, did my morning rituals, got dressed and headed to work. It was another ordinary work day, nothing special. I normally go straight to the gym after work, but something made me go straight home. I put my things down, checked the mail, and changed clothes. Still ordinary. I got on my computer, did a little reading, and after a few minutes, I turned it off. Next thing I knew, tears started streaming down my face. I just broke down and started bawling out of nowhere. As I'm crying, all I could do is start calling on God. In the midst of my sobbing I said, "Lord, we need to talk."
It had been a while since I had a good cry and an intimate conversation with God. I knew my heart was heavy, but I didn't realize the capacity of heaviness I was experiencing. I cried, because I felt an incredible sense of loneliness and solitude. I felt so alone. It was just me, my empty house, and my thoughts running wild. Once I opened my mouth and started talking to Him, it was then I knew God had been here all along; I had not taken the time to vent to Him in so long. I won't go into much detail about our vent session, but in conversing with my Comforter, He revealed some tough revelations about me. Among those revelations, He revealed to me the role I play in my personal relationships and why I feel like I'm on the losing end.
I am a compromiser. Compromising is not the problem, the problem is I'm not much of negotiator. I'm a master compromiser, especially when it comes to relationships. It can be a strength and weakness, but I consider it weakness of mine. I am the person who will inconvenience herself as to not inconvenience someone else. I am the person who compromises what makes her happy to appease or conform to someone else's happiness. I am the person who gives up some control just to "make it work." If I don't like something, I try to adapt to it despite my feelings about it. I guess the best way to sum it up is, I tend to settle for less than what I deserve. This concept hit me like a ton of bricks when I openly admitted this aloud. It's hard to admit our own weaknesses openly to ourselves, but it marks the beginning of change. I can think years back on all the relationships I've had. Be it personal, social, or business and I have had the same compromising pattern in most of them, if not all and it is unhealthy. I only have myself to blame. People only do what you allow them to do.
After the tears stopped and I calmed down enough to listen to God, I decided that this unfulfilling pattern must stop and it ends TODAY.
- I will no longer compromise my needs to appease someone else's feelings or wants.
- I will no longer accept "how the things are" when I am the one who is mostly lacking.
- I will no longer rationalize and make excuses for anyone's thoughts or actions. People make choices and do things at their own free will. There is no gray area. It is what it is.
- If it something that I cannot or will not accept, then I must let it go completely.
I love this quote above by Dr. Seuss. How true is that? If you can relate to this post, make a decision today to put yourself first and start to receive all that you deserve. Happiness is a privilege. It's up to you to fulfill it. And with that...I'm out! Smooches!